I haven’t felt much like writing lately. At least not anything substantial or coherent. I’ve still been writing down little scraps of ideas that come to me as I will probably always do. But it’s been difficult to get a large chunk of anything I consider worthwhile out of my head and onto the page. A part of the problem is my changed schedule. I used to have Fridays off and now I don’t, making my weekend one day shorter. That gave me a whole extra day to worry about errands and non-writing life tasks. Now my weekends feel so brief. I’m busy doing life maintenance stuff and by the time I am ready to sit down to write there’s no time life. It’s been frustrating and making me want to just throw my hands up and give up. I’m not in a great place because of this feeling. Or rather this feeling is a symptom of not being in a good place.
I’ve always had difficulty with big changes. And I’m still getting used to a lot of big changes lately. Some are more recent than others, some are just now catching up to me after a long time. I feel as though I’m treading water with no solid land to grab on to. I just want to rest and not have to keep fighting just to keep my head above water. And I don’t even feel like I’m doing a good job at that. In these cases my default mode is to retreat. To close in and cut off as much of the outside world as I can in order to give myself time to recover. I’m trying not to do that as much as I’m able though. But it’s not easy. It’s exhausting. And in the end I don’t even know if it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve been moments away from hurling my computer across the room for minor annoyances while writing this. I had to replace my laptop last week and I’m still getting used to the feel of the new one along with a newer version of Word that I am also still getting accustomed to. As I said I don’t like a lot of change all at once and these are just the smallest of it all. I don’t want to do this post. This feels like an obligation and right now that makes me angry. It’s irrational because it’s an obligation that I decided for myself, but there it is. I want to listen to music, read my book and maybe drink a beer. I just want to retreat.