Chaos, Expectations, Realizations

This post has been a tough one to get out. I’ve been pummeled by life in numerous directions over the last month. Dealing with family health issues, constantly changing remodeling plans, and the dip in mood that often comes from short, cold days (among many other things) has left me with little extra energy for creativity of any sort. Trying to keep my head above water has been the primary goal and even that isn’t always successful. And that lack of creative time and energy comes with its own pain.

There’s a sense of wasted time whenever I’m not making forward progress with something as important to me as writing. Even my decision to delay my usual fortnightly post has left me with anxiety brewing in my head. I’ve never missed a post until this last one. I’m trying to get over the precarious tightrope of maintaining streaks though. I missed one. I won’t miss the next one. I likely won’t miss another one for a very long time. But even if I do I can always get back on schedule. I’m trying to be less hard on myself while at the same time trying not to stop pushing myself.

I’ve started to cement some realizations I’ve had but have still had trouble accepting about the amount of control I have over the world around me, about the impermanence of nearly everything, about grasping too tightly onto specific expectations, about not letting the perfect stand in the way of the good. My plans are just that, my plans. Everyone has their own plans and the physical world does whatever it does without regard to anyone’s plans.

I’ve been overwhelmed lately and feeling lost for a lot of different reasons. Some things have begun to right themselves, others are still crashing, but that’s typically how life works. Both winning and losing. Neither one permanent. This is one of my more vague posts I realize. The common chaotic stresses have piled up but are of a boring garden variety. Not much of interest to speak of in specifics. The bigger things I’m not ready to write about just yet.

So now I’m asking myself what’s the endpoint of this bit of rambling. Everything is chaos? Life is impermanence? Give up and hibernate through the winter? The first two may be true, but nothing that can be acted upon. The third might be comfortable, but unproductive and unfulfilling. I’m being pushed towards a realization. I often feel I’m pushed towards realizations, but like most lessons they take a while to sink in. And even when a realization does take root it needs to be reiterated again and again because I’m just a dumb human. That realization is to focus on what’s important to me.

That comes down to two things. My relationships and connections to the people I care about and having a net positive affect on the world. The stresses in my life that involve things and money are on the bottom of the list of priorities in which the previous two are at the top. Things at best can only act as facilitators of those first two. A house in which to live and be comfortable in makes the other things in life easier, an essential but lower priority. A fulfilling job is a bit higher, but again is just a facilitator to the important ones. I will try to concern myself with lower priorities only in proportion to how they affect my ability to maintain the ones most important to me. It’s the two main ones that I need to keep my sights on. Keep communicating and listening. That’s really the key to both of them.