It’s been a busy, exhausting month and a half. I’ve embarked on a fairly major remodeling project involving chiefly the replacement of all of my flooring among a few other things. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but never moved forward with it. So I finally just decided to do it. Now I’m a day away from the work beginning. The last two weeks have been the hardest physically and time-wise. I’ve had to move all of my belongings from the upstairs of my house into my basement, and remove all the old flooring, trim, and doors. There have been times when I felt like I would never be able to finish everything. I have cursed my need for a comfortable living space. My body is aching. My mind is filled with chaos. There are checklists that need to be finished, people that need to be called, and steps that need to be completed.
Not having a feeling of comfort and security in my home base has always been hard thing for me to deal with. I like to know where my stuff is. Not in a possessive way, but in the way that I don’t like to be frustrated every time I have to find something I need. I’m typically very orderly to prevent exactly this feeling. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t like staying in hotels for extended periods. I like things to be in a specific place. Right now nothing in my house has a permanent place. My bedroom is in a completely different room of my house. The entire upstairs, including my kitchen, is torn apart. Most of my things, except for the bare essentials, are crammed into the crawl space in my basement. It’s disorienting. It’s stressful. But I am dealing with it. It’s been a good lesson to undergo. The experience is teaching me to accept the chaos as it comes, letting it wash over me. I’m doing better than I expected to. I feel as though I have a handle on the things I can control and am able to let go of the things I can’t.
The process has given me a new perspective on what I am able to handle. The past few years have been a process of rediscovering things. I felt as though I’d become less capable of coping with things over the course of my life. Stress and chaos threw me down much too easily. My previous inability to handle big changes well had kept me in a state of fear of taking on new challenges. Depression probably contributed to a large part of that inability and the resulting fear. Stress has always been a trigger for me. But in the case of dealing with my remodel (and other life situations) it’s been a much smoother process than I would have predicted. It’s been exhausting and absolutely stressful, but all to a degree that I’ve been able to deal with. It gives me hope that I have grown as a person. I feel more resilient to the constant ups and downs of life. And this new resiliency is transferrable to almost every aspect of my life. There is no absolute certainty or security to living in the world. I can’t say that I will never have any fear about large life changes, but I am much less afraid of the fear itself. There are always going to be things beyond my control. Living in fear of those potential situations isn’t healthy or productive. And I would like to be healthy and productive.