I’m writing this while sitting alone in a hotel room. I’ve never had any strong feelings on the emotional state caused by hotel rooms except for a little anxiety caused by the disorganization inherent from being away from home. But for where I am now being in a hotel room alone is very lonely. I’m in Minneapolis to see a couple of concerts and this is the first time I’ve traveled alone since my divorce. I had always thought I’d be good at traveling alone. I’d rarely had the opportunity or need to before though. Even the few times I did it was always within the context of having someone to come home to. That doesn’t exist anymore. And it makes being alone at the moment so much harder.
While driving here I kept seeing things reminding me inside jokes my ex-wife and I would make. Almost every place I have gone to while I’ve been here has memories to it. Being at the show on Friday just reminded me of what it was like to be at shows as a couple. Everyone seemed to be paired off. I started crying during one of the songs just because something in one of the songs triggered me. And as much as I may have mentioned crying in my blog posts it’s a fairly rare occurrence for me until recently, especially in public. It’s been impossible to get away from those thoughts. With it being the first time coming here alone I haven’t had the time or new experiences to have memories other than the ones from when we were together. In more familiar areas, like places in my day to day routine, I’m still reminded of our time together, but because I’ve had other experiences in the last year or so those aren’t my only memories. I suppose part of getting over this is just connecting new memories to the places that remind me of her. I don’t want to forget the past, but having only those memories is too painful at this point. Maybe this trip was a good inoculation. Maybe the next time will be easier. And the time after easier still.
I’ve always enjoyed solitude, but it was always been balanced by time spent with my partner. There was always companionship to come back to. Now that solitude is the default it’s terrifying and lonely. And my recent loneliness while traveling has me concerned about some other things. Over the past few weeks I’ve made some decisions about my short and long term goals. One of those goals is to travel more and for longer stretches. Sometime next year I’m planning on taking an extended trip internationally. I’m in the process of working out the details, but finding ways to prevent isolation is now a high priority in order to maintain my sanity. I’m scared and excited about the future. Everything is uncertain, but in ways that allow for things to get better. It’s time for changes. A lot of the changes over the last year were due to circumstances outside of my area of control. Now I’m trying to make changes of my own accord. Mistakes or not they’ll be mine to make